Welcome to Melvinís Skits

 

 

 

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††††† ††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††© HOUSTON, WEíVE GOT A PROBLEM††††††††††††††††

 

††††† ††††††††††††††††† †††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††Characters

††††††††††††††††††††††† Ralph - (husband) wearing suit with tie and collar loosened.Carrying briefcase.

††††††††††††††††††††††† Houston - (wife) dressed sloppy.Perhaps stretched out sweatshirt with slouchy bathrobe hanging open†††††††††††††††††† with belt dragging floor.Big ugly house shoes.Hair messed up.

††††††††††††††††††††††† Two children - ages between 10 and 15.one slouched across a chair with personal c.d. player and headphones on.Other child sitting on floor in front oft.v. with Nintendo controls in hand.Both children are staring at ††††††††††† t.v. ignoring their parents.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† Props

††††††††††††††††††††††† 2 chairs

††††††††††††††††††††††† briefcase

†††††††††††††††††††††† mail

††††††††††††††††††††††† pan with large spoon (optional)

††††††††††††††††††††††† wine glass

††††††††††††††††††††††† wine bottle (optional)

††††††††††††††††††††††† personal c.d. player with headphones

††††††††††††††† ††††††† Nintendo hand controls

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ralph:†††††††††††††† (Enters, coming home from work.Picks up mail.Looks at children and shakes head with disgust.Looks through mail still shaking head.)More bills.Thatís all we get are bills.

Houston:†††††††††† (Waves from kitchen.)Hi, Honey.Dinner will be ready in a few minutes. Want a glass of wine?

Ralph:†††††††††††††† How many years have I been coming home from work, Houston?Almost eighteen?And how many days in those years have I had a glass of wine when I walk in the door?

Houston: ††††††††† (exasperated)I donít know, Ralph.

Ralph:†††††††††††††† Well multiply 5 times 52 and that by almost 18. Thatís how many.So why would I suddenly stop today?

Houston:†††††††††† I donít know, Ralph.I was just making conversation.So how was your day?

Ralph:†††††††††††††† Houston, I wish you would just stop asking me questions the moment I walk in the door.

Houston:†††††††††† I just want to know how your day was.

Ralph:†††††††††††††† No you donít.You donít care about my day.Youíre just using that as a springboard to tell me about your day.And I donít give a care about your day.

Houston:†††††††††† Well You would care about my day if you knew who came over.Lou Ella from down...

Ralph:†††††††††††††† (Interrupting.Perks up)Lou Ella?The aerobics instructor?

Houston:†††††††††† (Sarcastic)Now youíre interested in my day.

Ralph:†††††††††††††† Iím not interested in your day.

Houston:†††††††††† No.Youíre interested in Lou Ella.

Ralph:†††††††††††††† Iím not interested in Lou Ella

Houston:†††††††††† I see the way you look at her when weíre in her aerobics class.

Ralph:†††††††††††††† Sheís the leader.Everybodyís looking at her.

Houston:†††††††††† Yea, but not the way you look at her.Iíve watched how you ogle all the women in the class.You look like a dog in a room full of Kibbles and Bits. (Does aerobics gestures.)Iím gonna get my Kibbles and Bits.Kibbles and Bits.Kibbles and Bits.

Ralph:†††††††††††††† Thatís ridicules.

Houston:†††††††††† Oh yea.Then why do they have to clean up the puddle of drool where you were standing?

Ralph:†††††††††††††† Thatís not drool.Thatís sweat.

Houston:†††††††††† Lou Ellaís got those long legs and that shapely body.Is that what you want?

Ralph:†††††††††††††† (Extremely sarcastic)No. they would look funny on me.Besides, Honey,I love the way the back of you arrives 5 minutes after the front.

Houston:†††††††††† Donít you talk to me like that.

Ralph:†††††††††††††† Well, youíre the one who brought up Lou Ella.

Houston:†††††††††† (Huffy)I was just telling you about my day.

Ralph:†††††††††††††† Which I didnít want to hear about.(She spins back to her cooking.He nods to the kids.)Have they moved since they got home?(As he sits down)Just go by every once in a while and dust Ďem off

Houston:†††††††††† I wish you would pay more attention to me.

Ralph:†††††††††††††† I wish you would pay more attention to yourself, then maybe I would.

Houston:†††††††††† Sometimes you can be so hurtful.Why donít you just go in the den and change those light bulbs.The 3rd one burned out last night.

Ralph:†††††††††††††† Donít be telling me what to do.

Houston:†††††††††† Well, somebody has to.You obviously donít have a clue.You never do anything around here until I tell you a half dozen time or more.

Ralph:†††††††††††††† Thatís not true.Didnít I fix your vacuum cleaner without being told.

Houston:†††††††††† You didnít fix it.You just took it apart.

Ralph:†††††††††††††† Itís the thought that counts.

Houston:†††††††††† Not when the repairman charged double because the vacuum cleaner looked like it had exploded.You had every part off except the broken one.

Ralph:†††††††††††††† Well, just donít be saying I donít do anything around the house.(Pauses to take a drink.)Have you heard from my mother?

Houston:†††††††††† (Glares at him)No.And I donít want her coming here for a visit.She needs to go visit your brother.Itís his turn.

Ralph:†††††††††††††† His wife doesnít want her over there, either.

Houston:†††††††††† And thereís a reason for that.You and your brother lie to us when it comes to your mother.The last time she came over here, you said it was for the day and she brought suitcases.You donít bring suitcases for the day.That hateful woman stayed for a month.

Ralph:†††††††††††††† Well, she lives all alone in that big, old rambling house.

Houston:†††††††††† Then we should have spent a month at her house.At least that way I could have left and had some place to go.My own house.

Ralph:†††††††††††††† You remember what the Bible says about being nice to your mother-in-law.

Houston:†††††††††† Donít start quoting the Bible.You remember what the Bible says the same way you remember what I say.Sometimes youíre close, but youíre usually wrong.Just the other day I said, ďYou canít kid an old kidder.ĒAnd when †††††††††††††† you were repeating it to someone you said, ďYou canít fool and old fool.Ē

Ralph: ††††††††††††† It didnít sound wrong until I had said it.

Houston:†††††††††† Thatís the story of your life.You usually speak without thinking.

Ralph:†††††††††††††† (Smiles as he gets up and walks to her.)Hey, baby.Iím sorry about all that.

Houston:†††††††††† The wineís kickiní in, huh?

Ralph:†††††††††††††† (Takes her hand.Speaks romantically)You know, earlier today I was thinking about you.(grinning)I canít repeat what I was thinking in front of the kids, though.Heh.Heh.Heh.

Houston:†††††††††† Oh yea.the wineís definitely kickiní in.

Ralph:†††††††††††††† I was thinking of you as a gazelle with twin fawns browsing among the lilies.

Houston:†††††††††† Of all the books in the Bible, donít start quoting the Song of Solomon.

Ralph:†††††††††††††† Why not?Iím not quoting it wrong.

Houston:†††††††††† You got the words right, but you miss the content by a mile.Every night.

Ralph:†††††††††††††† (Getting mad)Oh yea.Well...Well...

Houston:†††††††††† Well, what?

Ralph:†††††††††††††† Well, just never you mind, Houston.Thatís all.(Walks back to chair.)

Houston:†††††††††† Good one, Ralph.You really told me.(Goes back to cooking as lights fade.)

 

 

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