Welcome to Melvinís Skits
††††† ††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††© HOUSTON, WEíVE GOT A PROBLEM††††††††††††††††
††††† ††††††††††††††††† †††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††Characters
††††††††††††††††††††††† Ralph - (husband) wearing suit with tie and collar loosened.† Carrying † briefcase.
††††††††††††††††††††††† Two children - ages between 10 and 15.† one slouched across a chair with personal c.d. player and headphones on.† Other child sitting on floor in front of† t.v. with Nintendo controls in hand.† Both children are staring at † ††††††††††† t.v. ignoring their parents.
††††††††††††††††††††††† 2 chairs
††††††††††††††††††††††† pan with large spoon (optional)
††††††††††††††††††††††† wine glass
††††††††††††††††††††††† wine bottle (optional)
††††††††††††††††††††††† personal c.d. player with headphones
††††††††††††††† ††††††† Nintendo hand controls
Ralph:†††††††††††††† (Enters, coming home from work.† Picks up mail.† Looks at children and shakes head with disgust.† Looks through mail still shaking head.)† More bills.† Thatís all we get are bills.
Ralph:†††††††††††††† How many years have I been coming home from work,
Ralph:†††††††††††††† Well multiply 5 times 52 and that by almost 18. †Thatís how many.† So why would I suddenly stop today?
Ralph:†††††††††††††† No you donít.† You donít care about my day.† Youíre just using that as a springboard to tell me about your day.† And I donít give a care about your † day.
Ralph:†††††††††††††† (Interrupting.† Perks up)† Lou Ella?† The aerobics instructor?
Ralph:†††††††††††††† Iím not interested in your day.
Ralph:†††††††††††††† Iím not interested in Lou Ella
Ralph:†††††††††††††† Sheís the leader.† Everybodyís looking at her.
Ralph:†††††††††††††† Thatís ridicules.
Ralph:†††††††††††††† Thatís not drool.† Thatís sweat.
Ralph:†††††††††††††† (Extremely sarcastic)† No. they would look funny on me.† Besides, Honey,† I love the way the back of you arrives 5 minutes after the front.
Ralph:†††††††††††††† Well, youíre the one who brought up Lou Ella.
Ralph:†††††††††††††† Which I didnít want to hear about.† (She spins back to her cooking.† He nods to the kids.)† Have they moved since they got home?† (As he sits down)† Just go by every once in a while and dust Ďem off
Ralph:†††††††††††††† I wish you would pay more attention to yourself, then maybe I would.
Ralph:†††††††††††††† Donít be telling me what to do.
Ralph:†††††††††††††† Thatís not true.† Didnít I fix your vacuum cleaner without being told.
Ralph:†††††††††††††† Itís the thought that counts.
Ralph:†††††††††††††† Well, just donít be saying I donít do anything around the house.† (Pauses to take a drink.)† Have you heard from my mother?
Ralph:†††††††††††††† His wife doesnít want her over there, either.
Ralph:†††††††††††††† Well, she lives all alone in that big, old rambling house.
Ralph:†††††††††††††† You remember what the Bible says about being nice to your mother-in-law.
Ralph: ††††††††††††† It didnít sound wrong until I had said it.
Ralph:†††††††††††††† (Smiles as he gets up and walks to her.)† Hey, baby.† Iím sorry about all that.
Ralph:†††††††††††††† (Takes her hand.† Speaks romantically)† You know, earlier today I was thinking about you.† (grinning)† I canít repeat what I was thinking in front of the kids, though.† Heh.† Heh.† Heh.
Ralph:†††††††††††††† I was thinking of you as a gazelle with twin fawns browsing among the lilies.
Ralph:†††††††††††††† Why not?† Iím not quoting it wrong.
Ralph:†††††††††††††† (Getting mad)† Oh yea.† Well...Well...
Ralph:†††††††††††††† Well, just never you mind,