Welcome to Melvin’s Lists




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©Welcome to My World

When I was a kid, I stayed confused. My mother and my grandmother always said things like: I always do it that way most of the time. Close that door shut when you leave out. Or I’d ask, “When are we leaving? Right now in a minute. My grandmother would say, Raise that window down before the rain begins to fall. Now, I never questioned how you could raise a window down. I was wondering how the rain could do anything but fall. Every time I got my report card my grandmother would tell me nobody’s perfect. Then my mother would turn around and tell me to study and practice because practice makes perfect. I’m still confused. Welcome to my world.


My uncle collected cigarette coupons until he finally got enough to get some new lawn furniture. Then he died of lung cancer, but my aunt and her new husband enjoyed that furniture for several years until they died of skin cancer from lying in the sun on that damn lawn furniture.


I got a prescription that said “take 1 tablet 4 times a day. By the end of the day that tablet was so soggy I just threw it away. Welcome to my world.


I answer ads that say “Earn free stuff”


I collect stuff that’s not worth anything. That way I don’t have to worry about someone stealing it. And even if they do I won’t have lost anything valuable.


I have this stool at work that’s really hard and uncomfortable, so I bought some stool softener. It didn’t help. Welcome to my world.


I’m not an actor, but I played the part of an actor in a play once.


I once had a job answering rhetorical questions. You think it was easy?


My ex-wife called the other day. She said I took her virginity and now she wants it back. Welcome to my world.


I think I know the reason I have low self-esteem. It’s because I’m not very good at anything. 


I’m looking for a job doing ventriloquism on the radio.


I hate to sound like one of those nuts sees the Virgin Mary in toast and sidewalk cracks, but I was at the art gallery the other day and there she was. The Virgin Mary in a Botticelli painting. You can call me a nut, but I saw it with my own 2 eyes. Hey! Welcome to my world.


When I was in my twenties, I tried to start a business painting clothes on naked women, but it didn’t work out. The women wanted me to pay them.


One time I recorded a crow to use in one of my songs. Now I’m being sued, by a bird. Welcome to my world.


I tried to write an essay on being interesting, but, it seems I didn’t have any experience. Successful writers say you’re supposed to write about things you know.


I dated this girl in college and she didn’t seem quite right. I finally figured it out when her doctor said she had an enlarged prostate. Welcome to my world.



I went to the Texas Pop Festival in 1969, which was the Texas Woodstock with pretty much the same musicians. It was 3 days of drugs, sun, and music. Let me tell you everything I remember about those 3 days…It won’t take long. I promise……………..Oh yea…………(laugh)……………..I’m sorry. What was I saying?  Oh yea, my ex-wife said I took her virginity and now she wants it back.



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