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©My Cousin Always Blew the Punch line

(copyright 2008)


            When my cousin told a joke, he never had a problem until he got to the punch line. Even when we were kids, he blew the punch line. We used to say you son of a betcha thought I was gonna cuss. But he said you son of a bitch, I betcha thought I was gonna cuss.

            Somebody told us this joke. A man was getting on a plane in Dallas going to New York City. A lady stopped him in the airport and told him her son lived in New York and she hadn’t talked to him in several months. She asked the man if he would have her son call her. He told her New York is a big place and the odds were slim that he would see her son. She said his name was John Dunn and if she just happened to see him tell him to call his mother. The man reluctantly said okay and boarded his plane.

            When he got to New York he took a cab to his hotel. On the way there he saw a building that said Dunn & Bradstreet, so he stopped and went in. He asked if they had a John there. “Just down the hall, second door on the right.” He followed the directions and entered the door. He saw a man’s feet in one of the stalls. He shouted, “Are you Dunn?” The man in the stall said, “Yea.” “Well, call your mother.”

            My cousin told the joke perfectly until he got to the punch line. He shouted, “Are you through?” “Yea.” “Well, call your mother.”

            Here was another joke he screwed up. A man was on a plane seated next to a ten year old girl. Trying to be funny, he asked the girl if she would like to discuss physics with him. She said, “Sure,” but first she wanted to ask him a question. “Why is it horses, deer, and rabbits all eat basically the same thing, yet their poop looks so different?” The man said he didn’t know. The girl just looked at him and said, “How can we discuss physics when you don’t know shit?”

            Again, my cousin got the story right down to the last line. “How can we discuss physics when you don’t know anything?

                        I want to die quietly in my sleep just like my grandfather did not kicking and screaming like the passengers in his car.

            My cousin told it, not kicking and screaming like other people do.

            I’m sure you’ve all heard why you don’t ASSUME. It makes an ASS out of U and ME. My cousin said it makes an ass out of everybody.

            I just drove here and boy are my arms tired.

            But my very favorite story about my cousin is when we went to Las Vegas with his parents when we were both in our twenties. We went to a dinner show where dozens of bare breasted showgirls walked up and down this runway at our eye level. It was the most amazing thing I had ever seen at that point in my life. Those women could actually walk with those huge…headdresses on their heads. After the show was over and we were leaving, my uncle and I commented on the topless women. To which my cousin asked, “What topless women?” His father and I just looked at him. How did he miss 103 boobs?

            Well, I guess for now I’m gonna make like a hockey player and leave.



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