©Welcome to Melvin’s Bible Stories




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In the Beginning©


In the beginning God said, “I is real.” And that became the name of His people: Isreal. The name was later changed to Israel by a dyslexic prophet. But, be that as it may, God created heaven on earth then had to separate them for fighting.

It started out peaceful. It was dark, then God made light. “It was great.” “Less filling.” “It was great.” “Less filling.” To settle the argument God separated the two and called one day and the other night. They never could get together again after that. The closest they could come would be a heavily clouded day or a full moon at night.

God fermented the water and divided it. And that’s where He landed. Then He dried the land so He could see water. Then the earth brought forth plants so He added an e to plant and called the earth a planet.

Then He created animals. Some He put fins on and they could swim, so He threw them in the water. All the rest of the animals He put legs on. Some He gave wings so they could fly and they taunted the ones stuck on the ground, who would always be trying to snatch the fliers out of the air.

Then God got together with His Son and Spirit and they decided to make amends. The Lord God called him man as He picked him up off the ground and dusted him off. He breathed in his nose and that made man smell.

God had a nice little garden he had planted in Eden and he planted the man there, too. In the garden was a tree that had life and a tree that had knowledge of God and devil.

Then God made man a ruler so he could measure the fish. Then He planted green food for the man to eat. Later He created yellow, orange and brown food, but in the beginning it was green. He created fruit with seeds, because seedless fruit is unnatural. And it was good, except for the French cooking.

Now, God doesn’t sleep, but every seven days he rest.

Four rivers flowed in Eden and where they came together would be the future sight of 4 Rivers Stadium.

One night before the man, whom God called Adam, went to sleep, he had ribs. He didn’t know when he woke up he would have a woman to take out. Well, first God would take her out then He would bring her to the man, because He couldn’t help it.

He called the woman Eve, because he created her on the eve of her first day. There were no department stores yet, so the man and woman ran around naked not knowing Shane, because the movie wouldn’t come out until 1953.

Now, the serpent, who had legs (remember, all the land animals had legs in the beginning) was into arts and crafts, in fact he was the craftiest of all the animals. The truth was he had a superiority complex. After all he could talk and none of the other animals could.

He talked to the woman about the one tree that God told her and the man not to eat or even touch. The serpent told her not to listen to what God says, because He’s just a know-it-all and He doesn’t want you to know it all, too. So open your eyes and think for yourself, woman.

So she and the man did. And when they did they realized they were naked. They had to leave figs and learn to sew to cover their private parts, which were no longer public.

They hid from God when they heard Him cooling His heels in the garden. When God asked why they were hiding, the man blamed the woman and the woman blamed the serpent. So God cut the legs out from under the serpent and made the woman give birth to pain and the man had to listen to the woman for the rest of his life. And he had to eat the ground until he returned to it.

Adam and Eve had to move east of Eden where they constipated their marriage and Eve gave birth to Cain (played by James Dean) and Abel (played by Richard Davalos). Cain was jealous of Abel and killed his brother. It was the first case of premedicated murder.  

So God ran Cain out of the country where he built a city and there lived out his life wynken and blynken in Nod. Then he began to begat all the way into Noah’s Ark.




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