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What Was God Thinking? (Gen. 2:19-22)

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(copyright 2007)

 

            Now the Lord God had formed out of the ground all the beasts of the field and all the birds of the air. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them and whatever the man called each living creature, that was it’s name. So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field. (Genesis 2:19-20a)

            I love You, Lord, but what were You thinking? You had just made this guy. Words were new to him. Why would you let him name the animals? Instead of telling him that whatever he called them that was their name, You should have told him not to be monkey’n around with that animal naming thing. I mean, You knew he was going to blow the forbidden fruit thing, so why did you let him lose with the names? In fact, Lord, why did you let him have anything to do with words, period.

            Personally, I think all words should have been divine. Was God even listening when the man was naming the animals? He probably started out paying attention, when man said, “I’ll name that one dog. See, that’s Your name backwards. Isn’t that cute? God probably just smiled and figured everything would be alright. But God’s all-knowing, so He surely must have realized it was all about to go bad.

            Sure, it started out okay. Dog. Cat. Pig. Ass. Fox. Then he started using four letter words. Bear. Deer. Wolf. Wolf? Wasn’t that the dog’s first word?

            Then God must have gone for a stroll in the garden and left the man alone. And then the man started getting full of himself. He started making up two-syllable words. Ferret. Lizard. Gazelle. Parrot. Zebra. Then he started thinking too much. Viper. What was wrong with the single syllable word, snake? The name turtle was just fine, then he goes and says, “tortoise.” Then lizard became salamander. Now, the man’s really highbrow and uppity. And Pandora’s box was opened long before Greek mythology was created.

            Three syllable words. Four syllable words. The sky was the limit. There was no stopping the man. There was no word too ludicrous or ridiculous sounding. Rhinoceros. Hippopotamus. Porcupine. Hyena. Platypus. Kangaroo. Orangutan. Where was God?

            Apparently, God stayed gone way too long. The damage was done. By the time God showed back up, from God knows where, it was too late. The man had a smug look on his face and God only knew, something was up. He listened to the names. They were weird, but okay. After all, this was uncharted territory. There was nothing to compare it to.

            Then things got really strange when God asked the man what he called more than one of the animals. At first it sounded okay. Dogs. Cats. Elephants. Oxen. Oxen? Why not just oxes as in boxes. When you have more than one box you don’t say boxen. The man just looked at God and asked, “what is a box?”

            “Never mind.” God said. “Go on.” And then the man said things that  made even God say, “My God, what was I thinking.”

            More than one goose was geese. More than one mouse was mice. So God asked,        “What is the plural of moose?”

            “Moose.”

            “Yea, Moose,” God said.

            “No.” The man said. “Moose is the plural of moose. More than one deer is still deer. More than one sheep. Sheep.”

            “What if you have more than one platypus?” God just had to ask.

            Platypi.”

            “Where in hell are you coming up with this stuff, man? Have you been smoking that plant with the compound leaves with 5 leaflets?”

            The man said, “What?”

            God said, “Never mind. You’ll figure that one out soon enough.”

            “This naming thing gets even better,” the man said with a grin and I know God wanted to slap him. But what was He going to do? After all, He gave the man the power.

            “What is it now?” God sounded old and weary for the first time in, well, ever. Since up to that point there had been no time.

            And the man said. “I made up names for groups of the animals.

            A surfeit of skunk.

            A loveliness of ladybugs.

            An aarmory of aardvark .

            A fez of armadillos.

            A murder of crows.

            A rabble of butterflies.

            A clowder of cats.

            A mob of kangaroos.

            A leap of leopards.

            A knot of frogs.

            A bale of turtles…”

            God stopped the man right there. “Why can’t you just say there’s a whole bunch of them?”

            The man looked incredulous and said, “Who’s doing this, me or you?”

            Instead of getting angry, God just said, “I’ll be back.” and He turned and left the garden.

            Later that night God came back and while the man was sleeping, He took one of the man’s ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib. (Genesis 2:21-22a) Then God nodded His head with a grin and said, “That’ll teach him to smart off to Me.”

 

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