Welcome to Melvin’s Bible Stories




Story 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9




©Early Christian Mortars (Acts 9 & 20:13)       

  (copyright 2008)


The early Christian mortars held the churches together. I know. You’re thinking it’s supposed to be martyrs. You see, the martyrs held The Church together. The mortars held the church walls together. They would stand around outside leaning against the walls, chewing tobacco and spitting. That brought about the creation of saint hoods, which were worn by the newly elected saints.

            One of those saints, Pauley Girl, wrote to Tim the tool man in I Timothy 5:23 and told him that a little wine was good for his stomach. See. Even back then, they knew that wine was good for your digression. At the time, they didn’t know wine contained oxymoron’s that terminated the chain-gang reactions caused by free radials down at the tire shop. But they did know wine, not only made you feel good, it made you feel good.

            Many of these early Christian mortars had seen Jesus. Like Pauley Girl who saw Jesus on the road to Damascus where they made swords. Jesus made scales to weigh Pauley’s eyes even though God knew they weren’t very heavy. But Pauley had watched Stephen get stoned and he thought he may have been pushing dope. Pauley set up a sting operation, but it turned out that Stephen was innocent and Pauley was guilty of not seeing that. Stephen asked God to forgive Pauley for he knew not what he was doing, but Jesus made Pauley pay for his sins, anyway, by making him live in a deer blind for three days. Then the scales fells off Pauley’s eyes and broke his foot. He fell down and got a  thorn bush stuck to his back. He yanked the shrub off, but it left a thorn in his flesh right back there between the shoulder blades just out of his reach. You know that one spot that you just can’t quite get to? He asked God to remove it, but God said Grace was all Pauley needed. So he set out searching for her.

            Acts 20:13 tells us that he got on a ship and even went to see the Assos in Mysia. He traveled to the land of the Hittites, the Parasites, the Gigabytes, the uprights and the canisters, but the worst of all were shuttites. They were really mean people. But, then, if you’ve ever been constipated, you know why they were in such a bad mood. I do believe my family might be descendants of the Shuttites.

            Anyway, Pauley searched far and wide, but he never did find the woman named Grace.  But it was okay, because it turned out that God’s grace was sufficient.



Story 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9